Even a Hunchback Can Use Bubble Wrap
by Marty Smith, ©2003.
Has the crushing isolation of late industrial capitalism got you feeling like you don't have a friend in the world? Do you find yourself spending night after solitary night with no shred of peer reinforcement to bolster your fragile sense of self-worth? Do you feel like you'd give almost anything for a kind word, a friendly gesture, a little pat on the pack from the world to let you know that you are somebody, after all?
Well, my friend, you're not alone.
Actually, that's not true-- you are alone, technically, in the sense that no one is hanging out with you right now.
And I guess I might as well admit right now that you're not really my friend, either.
The point is, if you're feeling blue, there's something you can do about it. No matter how socially inept you are, no matter how personally unappealing you may be, no matter how many little insults life may have handed you, there's one place where you can almost certainly find unalloyed praise and unlimited goodwill.
In short, when life hands you lemons, check your eBay feedback.
Unless you're a manipulating, predatory con-artist (and let's be honest; how often do manipulating, predatory con-artists need an ego boost?), chances are that your eBay feedback is awash with tender words of unremittingly sunny approbation.
Let's use my own feedback as an example. Here's what 1958cameo has to say about yours truly: "Good communication-- recommended!"
Look at that-- not only does Cameo think I'm a good communicator (and that's a pretty important skill, don't you think?), she "recommends" me to others! Sounds like she's practically ready to fix me up with one of her hot single friends-- and who can blame her?
And believe me, that's just the beginning. Cameo's comments are positively tepid by eBay standards. Check out this blanket endorsement of my character from dhsmith: "It is a pleasure to deal with Marty. Thanks, Dan & Ellen."
See? I'm "a pleasure to deal with." That lady who I made cry at the DMV last week was probably just having her period or something.
Moreover, you'll notice that Dan and Ellen speak with one voice on this-- a welcome relief from all those couples you meet these days who can't seem to make up their mind. You know how it is-- either she's pissed off at you because you and he are always going to a bar to talk about what a controlling bitch she is, or he's got a problem with the way you're always making out with her drunk in the kitchen at parties. You can't win with some people.
But you can win with the folks on eBay! If you can manage to unstick your face from that puddle of dried vomit on the carpet for long enough to log on to PayPal and send $17.99 (plus shipping) to the seller of "NWT Men's Express Low Rise Boot Cut Jeans 36," why, you're well on your way to sainthood as far as that person is concerned: "Super-eBayer! Highly recommended!! A++++++++!!" That's better than an "A," better than an "A+," even better than an "A+++++++!" Albert Einstein could blow his TA in Remedial Geometry at Southeast Missouri State-- twice-- and still not get a grade that good.
Even if the nicest thing your real-life friends can think of to say about you is "shows up for work most of the time; no outstanding felony warrants," your eBay pals will seldom disappoint. They know how difficult life can be for you, and if you can manage to do anything right at all, they'll reward you with the non-judgmental positivity of a referee at the Special Olympics. Simply restraining yourself from putting a live cobra in the box with their item qualifies as "Great packaging, honest description & quick ship!!" If you can get through a three-line email about shipping details without addressing them as a "slack-cunted mongoloid whore," you're "Very patient and pleasant to deal with!"
See how easy it is? Why even bother with the harsh censures and cruel indifferences of real life when you could be skipping from cloud to cloud in the neverending interpersonal Candyland of eBay? Let's face it, not even Gandhi on his best day could muster a personal positive feedback rating of 99.4% on Planet Earth as we know it. In the eBay universe, though, everything is sunshine and lollipops and My Little Pony, even for dorks like you and me.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some business to conduct with certain young lady about an "Emenee Toy air ORGAN/PIANO for child *works great*!!" If I play my cards right, I'll bet she and I could make beautiful music together.
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Even a Hunchback Can Use Bubble Wrap
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